Over the past few weeks I have had some strong emotional highs and lows to deal with, and I really thought that I would never feel at peace with myself ever again. But then I started a new diet, went to the gym more and started focusing on myself–only to realize that what was missing from my life wasn’t what I had just lost, but something else entirely that had been missing all along. Time for myself. I had been so focused on what I thought I was supposed to do as a student/daughter/girlfriend/sister/friend that I lost track of all the things that I wanted to do as Caitlin. I was acting out my role on the big stage of life, and I did it so flawlessly that I ever fooled myself.
I recently got dumped–and it was the first break-up that really rocked my world; devastated me. My heart got broken for the first time in my life. And I miss him. I do. But as much as I miss him, it’s easy to console myself because now, now I can focus on me for once in my life and make myself happy…and I hope he does the same. I want to come into my own, write everything I want to write, see everything I want to see, and do everything I want to do. Part of me hopes that he comes crawling back, I mean there’s not exactly an on/off switch for emotions…but I have mostly surrendered myself to the fact that it’s not going to happen. Which makes that part of me sad.
I am okay though. I have so many different things going on that I can’t help but be excited and really just living in the moment. I finally feel like I have a solid group of friends at home and at school. I love volunteering with the Burmese kids. I am loving school and working on my thesis. I am so excited about my summer internship prospects that I honestly don’t give a shit about Generation anymore. I’d rather work for something reputable, not a magazine where 90% of the staff gets drunk during production and the only things that get read are the immature dick, fart, and slut jokes. The magazine has so much potential, which is my I really hope that Jeff gets Editor-in-Chief next semester. I feel like he could turn it into something great.
I swear that a majority of my posts are not going to be me rambling about my life like this. Today, I really just needed an outlet, if not to share my findings about one of Mr. William Shakespeare’s most famous quotations, but for my own peace of mind.
I’m young. I’m smart, and I’d like to think I’m fairly talented. I want to make my dreams come true and I want to have fun. I’m so excited about everything right now that I can’t help but always have a smile on my face.
I spent all of High School hating myself and being miserable, and I spent way too long trying to be the person that everyone wanted me to me. Right now, I am just going to be me.
*image from picture-book.com