I Am He As You Are He As You Are Me…

I’m beginning to feel like no one actually knows who I am. I feel like a chameleon, like I adapt to my environment depending on who I’m with or what I’m doing…and quite frankly, I am exhausted. The odd part is, it’s almost second nature…I don’t even realize I’m acting a different way until I get home and realize that I’m mentally (and often physically) exhausted from playing my role. Perhaps I should have been a drama major? As this is a relatively public forum, and because I know (at least, I hope) a handful of people who I know (and maybe even some that I don’t) read this on a regular basis, I’ve decided that it’s time to come clean. I blogged a few days ago about not defining yourself by a stereotype or your ethnicity, and it’s about time I took my own advice. So here I am…uncensored for the world, or at least my tiny blogosphere, to see.

Let’s start with the basics:

My name is Caitlin Tremblay and I am 20 years old (I will turn 21 at the very end of August 2009). I am looking forward to my 21st birthday, not because it means I can legally be served and purchase alcohol, but because it means I can FINALLY get a new picture on my driver’s license. This excites me because my current photo makes me look like a Navajo Indian BOY. Yes, I said boy.

I am a junior at the University at Buffalo, I could have graduated a year early but I decided to do a full four years because, well a.) I am not ready to be a grown up and b.) I want to finish my honors thesis on Shakespeare. I will graduate in May 2010 with a BA in English and a BA in history…potentially a minor in French, but we’ll see. I work at Borders in Cheektowaga, and when I am at home (in the Albany/Saratoga area) I work at Borders, a family-run ice cream stand called Rainbow Delights, and occasionally at a greenhouse called Valoze’s.

I have a sister named Danielle, she is 18 and a freshman at FIT in NYC and I am completely jealous of everything about her. My parents, Karen and Tim, are still married and honestly, they are the best parents anyone could ask for…especially now that I’m older I feel like they’re my friends, yet they are still parental enough to keep me grounded and give me a swfit kick in the ass when I need it (which is often).

Personality:

I am a bit OCD about being organized…everything has a spot and I am often mocked for it. I color code my day planner and I arrive early for everything 99.9% of the time. I am obsessed with school to a fault. I like my grades nice and high–I aspire to attend NYU for my master’s in journalism.

I’m shy until I get to know people…this is said a lot in “about me” sections of MySpace or Facebook, but for me it really is true. New people and situations throw me off and I don’t know how to act…though, oddly, when I am alone in a new situation I am much more outgoing (rather than with my parents, or another close friend), it’s almost as if I’m embarrassed to act like an adult in from of them.

I have anxiety. I have good days and bad days with it, but luckily with my doctor’s help, I’ve been having more good days than bad. When I have a panic attack, you will know it. I cry, can’t breathe, I grab my face because it often goes numb, and once, I gave myself a black eye. Usually, it’s the dumbest things that set me off because I tend to let stress pile on instead of dealing with it because I feel guilty about what as I perceive as whining about my problems.

I love to write and I am determined to make money off of it one day. I read Rolling Stone and Paste religiously…as well as the New York Times.

I still sleep with my childhood teddy bear, aptly named Mr. Bear, because I was a predominantly creative child. I am also very sarcastic, a trait which I have inherited from my father. I do not like to wear pants or shoes. I dig peace signs and tie-dye and I really just do want everyone to get along.

I am a nerd. I like school, I like to read. I love Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and I like to play Risk…though I do not know how to play chess, I really would love to learn. I like going to art galleries and Museums. If I’m bored my TV is either on National Geographic or the History Channel.

I apologize to people for things that aren’t my fault. I miss my dog Hershey. I hope that Woodstock 2009 happens.

Media:

I love print publications and books. Chuck Klosterman is my favorite writer followed by Hunter S. Thompson. The Great Gatsby is my favorite book. I will argue that Harry Potter has literary merit until the end.

“Almost Famous” is my favorite movie followed closely by Kenneth Branagh’s Henry V.

“It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” “Flight of the Conchords,” and “The Tudors” are the only TV shows worth watching, though “The Real World” and “Rock of Love” are guilty pleasures.

I am addicted to Twitter, I do not have a MySpace because I think it’s for 13 year old girls and 50 year old men who like 13 year old girls. I hate Facebook but I have one because I fear that I will lose touch with all my close friends if I don’t have one in this technology driven world.

I am also probably the last person on earth who pays for music, more often than not.

I love Radiohead, the Goo Goo Dolls, and Janis Joplin more than anything. Also, if it was made in the 1960’s or 1970’s I probably like it as well…I’m an old soul. I also like Incubus, Bob Dylan, Led Zeppelin, Patti Smith, Tom Petty, The Beatles, Coldplay, Phish, The Grateful Dead, and Chicago. Recently, I enjoy The Killers, The Ting Tings, Lady GaGa, and some Muse.

I am a NJ Devils fan.

Social Life:

I have a select few close friends that I speak to on a regular basis, and as much as I hate living in duality I can’t help but separate my “High School friends” from my “College friends,” though, I’m getting better at not doing so.

I like to see movies (money permitting), and play Catch Phrase (because I’m really good at it). I would rather host a party at my house then go out to a club because everytime I go to a club I, pathetically, end up kissing a random guy because I probably have low self-esteem.

Moderately Bad Habits:

I bite my nails and clean a lot. I sometimes drink Tequila out of the bottle with a straw…no chaser. I text while I drive and I drink caffeine like I breathe air. I silently judge people when they use poor grammar and I always forget to feed my fish. I play with my earrings when I’m in class and if there’s chocolate in front of me I will eat ALL of it.

Really Bad Habits:

When I have parties at my apartment I drink too much Labatt Blue Light and often end up passed out on my bathroom floor.

Since High School graduation I’ve been casually smoking Marlboro Lights, and recently have progressed from “casual” to a “habit.” I plan to stop…now. It really is disgusting.

Food:

I like: tuna, iced tea, peaches, salad, croutons, ranch dressing, pizza, salmon, anything involving chicken, cucumbers, falafel, souvlaki, tzatziki, everything bagels, every vegetable except brussel sprouts, lobster, crab, shrimp, steak, cheese, and mashed potatoes.

Favorite candy: Twizzlers
Favorite drink: water
Soda: diet cherry coke
Energy drink: sugar free red bull
Food I could eat 24/7 for the rest of my life: Greek salad with tzatziki

Random Things About Me:

I don’t like people who end sentences with prepositions and misspell commonly used words.

I read. A lot.

Tudor England fascinates me.

I am, without shame, a NJ Devils fan.

I really hate winter because it means I have to start wearing pants and shoes.

Pet Peeve: People who use toilet paper as tissues, especially when tissues are readily available.

No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I’d rather be writing.

I love tattoos. I have 4. Deal.

I also love piercings. I have 4 per ear lobe, 3 cartilage, and a tragus.

In a previous life I may have been Jack Kerouac…or Anne Boleyn.

I really and truly don’t hate anyone. I just want us all to get along.

My mom once sent me a “thinking of you card” with a kid picking his nose on the front. I loved it so much I taped it to my wall.

I think the Hopi Indians had it right.

My parents don’t think I’ll make any money off being a writer. What they don’t understand is that money isn’t the point…it’s giving a voice the voiceless.

I may be in love with Anderson Cooper.

My favorite color is green.

My favorite website is hippieshop.com

I crave independence but I don’t know how to let go. I depend too much on those who are close to me. I wish I had a greater sense of self.

I believe in self-preservation. I don’t believe in love so much anymore, but I’m open for someone to change my mind.

I am, admittedly, TERRIBLE with money. Keep it away from me.

What’s the point of all this? It’s this: I’m sick of being a nerd with some friends, a party girl with others, and a whining child with my parents. I just want to be Caitlin. I want to be all of the things that I listed here unabashedly and unapologetically. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I want to be. I’m not sure I know what that is yet but I figure the best way to find out is to stop blending in and start standing out as my own person. I’m on the road to adulthood and it’s about time I started acting like it, and acting like myself, instead of being who I think certain people want me to be.

So read this, read about me, and either take it or leave it. I don’t want to sound harsh, but at this point in my life I’m not ready to change for anyone except myself.

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