*This post was previously deleted but I put it back up for pure docum- -entation of how I was feeling, because, after all, my feelings are my own and have the right to be showcased on my personal space on the web. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.…but this is what I do. I document how I feel. How the hell else am I supposed to remember what it’s like to be young so I can write a book one day? Remember: these are my FEELINGS, take them with a grain of salt.*
So tonight I want to talk about something that’s become all too apparent to me lately–I have one HUGE tragic flaw. I am much too nice with not enough self-confidence. I let people walk all over me, and when I’m wronged I always feel like it’s my fault–like I deserve to be treated like crap. I need to cut it out before it takes any larger of a toll on my life than it already has.
If I were a Shakespearean tragic hero I would be Hamlet. I have a hard time dealing with difficult situations and with growing up. Major problems don’t seem to affect me directly yet I find myself in the full throes of a panic attack at some of the smallest things. I often blame myself for everything, even if I had nothing to do with the situation. This is probably why Hamlet is one of my favorite Shakespeare plays. I truly do identify with him. We have the same character flaw…but hopefully we won’t come to the same end (though, I don’t see a poison ridden fencing match anywhere in my future so I should be okay…)
“To be, or not to be, that is the question…”
ANYWAY, the reason I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately is because there have been a couple situations that have brought my niceness and my lack of faith in myself to my attention. One is that I heard from a mutual friend that one of my ex-roommates is spreading rumors around campus that I chased her (angrily) around our apartment with scissors. Really? I would never. Peace and love, man.
What upset me most about this wasn’t the untrue rumor, or the fact that she is still talking about me behind my back…no. I was upset that obviously SHE is still going through a tough time and I felt bad that I couldn’t help her. I felt guilty about HER problems even though they no longer have anything to do with me.
The second situation comes in a series of conversations I’ve had with an ex recently. HE dumped ME based on hearsay and juvenile gossip. HE called ME a liar and basically stomped on all of the faith and trust I had put into him and into our relationship, and then, after a year of dating, he goes out and get another girlfriend in a matter of a week and a half and doesn’t even have the balls to tell me about it, I have to find out from everyone else.
Now, I should be mad at him, right? Yeah, I’m not. I’m mad at myself. I feel like it’s my fault that he treated me (and continues to treat me) like complete crap and that I deserve to be tugged along in a seemingly endless string of random hook-ups and booty calls. I feel like I brought this pain upon myself. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. It frustrates me because I don’t know how to stand up for myself because I just don’t have the self-confidence.
I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I can do things. I didn’t think I’d get my awesome paid internship at The Daily Gazette, but I did. I didn’t think I’d get into Phi Beta Kappa or the honors program, but I did. In High School I didn’t think I’d get any of the awards or scholarships that I did, and tomorrow morning I have an Editor-in-Chief interview and even though I’ve been told by many high up people that I have one of the best shots at getting it, I don’t think I will.
I don’t know how to confront people who talk behind my back. I don’t know how to tell ex-boyfriends to stop hanging out with me under the pretense “of being friends” when they only want a reprieve because their new girlfriends are boring and can’t satisfy them. I’m sick of being a doormat, a backup plan, and the next best thing. I want to stand up for myself, be appreciated, and be respected. I want people to believe in me and I want to believe in myself. Currently I am very self-aware, and I know what I have to change, I just hope I can make those changes.
Last night I received an email from one of my Canadian relatives and he said, “You’re making us proud.” That statement made me tear up a bit. I hear it from my parents all the time, but sometimes it just hits home a bit more when you hear it from people you don’t see that often. It’s nice to know that you have a network of people who care about you. The next guy I date is going to care about me. He is going to respect me and he is going to trust me. He is not going to trample all over my heart because I’m too nice to hold back. Eventually I am going to be ready to give all of myself to someone again, and next time they aren’t going to throw it back in my face like it’s a heaping pile of garbage. I deserve more than that.
I need to stop putting everyone else before myself. I need to stop being melancholic Hamlet and start taking action…I need to listen to the ghost’s three hests and take control of my situation and make myself the person I want to be. I need to be less like Hamlet and more like Fortinbras. I need to stand up for myself, stop letting myself be taken advantage of, and march on Denmark! (Okay, well maybe not the last part, I don’t think I’d bode well in a international prison…)
This summer I am going to turn my life around, and next year when I return to Buffalo for my senior year to write my Senior Honors Thesis, and get my two B.A.s I am going to be the person I want to be, and perhaps even the person I used to be…when I was younger and before I started doubting myself.
Hamartia no more.
“Ay…there’s the rub…”