So open up, I’m climbin’ in…

So I’m laying in my room on top of my tie-dye bed spread, stomach down, swinging my legs back and forth at the knee. My fan is blowing the short layers of my wavy hair in front of my face making it almost too hard to see my little pink MacBook, which is propped up at the foot of my bed on an old T-shirt that shows Charles Darnay holding his head and says, “Mostly, it was the worst of times.” I’m wearing only black boy-short underwear and my blue Bob Marley wife-beater, because it’s been raining all day and Albany, NY feels like a tropical rain forest, minus the gorgeous wild life.

The only sounds I can hear are the buzz of my ceiling fan and the Eagles telling me to “take it easy.” A few minutes ago Steve Miller was asking me to “keep on rockin‘ him” while my fish, Polonius, was making splashing noises as he jumped for his food. All in all, it’s a calm moment.

Why am I documenting all of this? I actually don’t know. Something deep-down told me that I should at least try to explain what’s been buzzing around in my skull since I got back from Buffalo…which is a lot.

I’ve been reading this book called The Song Is You and in it, the main character often thinks of his life in relation to song lyrics. I think that might be the best construct for me to try to sort things out so I’m going to restart “Take It Easy” by The Eagles and start from there…

“Well, I’m running down the road tryin‘ to loosen my load I’ve got seven women on my mind, Four that wanna own me, Two that wanna stone me, One says she’s a friend of mine Take it easy, take it easy…”

Sigh. As much as I try to get rid of the “muck” in my life I always feel like it follows me. Some of that may be my fault, because I have an uncanny (and annoying) ability to become really attached to people and not know how to let go, but also, as I’ve already posted, there are some people who just won’t leave me alone either. This summer, I don’t care what I have to do, I am going to learn how to relax, no ifs ands or buts.

“…Don’t let the sound of your own wheels

drive you crazy Lighten up while you still can Don’t even try to understand Just find a place to make your stand And take it easy…”

I am going to learn that I can’t control everything. I am going to become at peace with myself and I am not going to worry about things or people that shouldn’t concern me, especially if they’re mean and generally not nice human beings. Part of my issue is that I care about other people and their happiness more than I care abut my own. I am going to make a stand for myself and finally find a balance. I’m young, I shouldn’t be worrying so much about EVERYTHING, especially when it comes to people who don’t give a shit about me.

“…Come on, baby, don’t say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me We may lose and we may win though We will never be here again So open up, I’m climbin‘ in, So take it easy…”

I’m also not going to mess around with jerks anymore. I heard Katy Perry’s “Hot N Cold” on the radio on my way to The Gazette the other day and I realized that every guy in my life is the epitome of that song. They don’t want to be with me, but if I even try to move on with my life, they get all jealous, I end up feeling bad, and then they rope me back in. If I’m going to be involved with a guy at all I need to know what he wants from me up front. This may sound like a pain in the ass, but I’m sick of getting hurt and being walked all over. I need to know if they are looking for a girlfriend, or if they’re just looking for fun. I don’t care what the answer is because I’m always in the market for new friends, I just don’t want to get attached to someone who is going to end up stringing me along. I’m sick of it. Do you want to be my friend, or do you want to take me on a date and see where it goes? I’m not looking for anything too serious outright, I’m young, but I need to at least know that you’re going to be honest with me about your intentions. I don’t need anymore drama. I just need to be free to be me, whoever that is.

“…Well I’m running down the road trying to loosen my load, Got a world of trouble on my mind Lookin‘ for a lover who won’t blow my Cover, she’s so hard to find Take it easy, take it easy…”

I think a lot and I guess I’m just looking for someone who can help me relax and be myself. At this point I don’t care who it is. I’ve spent so long fighting off “haters” that I’m just looking for a haven where I can be myself. Hence, I am spending the rest of the summer becoming okay with myself. I’m beginning to realize (and I don’t want to sound cocky) that even with all my faults, I still feel like I have a lot to offer someone, but I’m sick of giving my all to someone and not getting anything in return. It’s about time I learned how to be at least a little bit selfish when it comes to relationships and emotions. After almost 21 years of the same behavior, I think I deserve it.

“…Oh we got it easy We oughta take it easy.”

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