I write this a (somewhat) changed woman.
You see, I didn’t feel like going out tonight, so my mom and I rented He’s Just Not That Into You. I know, I know, Lame City, population: Caitlin.
I used to make fun of all the girls who would come into Borders and buy the book. “How do you delude yourself into thinking an asshole likes you?” I would scoff. “Are girls really that pathetic and desperate for a companion that they go psycho and crazy?” I would ask.
As I was suffering through this movie (the only redeeming factor was the immense attractiveness of Bradley Cooper) I realized something. I realized something that kind of rocked my world in a big way. I am that girl in Borders who bought that book. I am that girl who makes excuses for every asshole move a guy has pulled on me. I am pathetic and desperate and I need to change? But will I?
I am the other woman. I am the doormat. I am the friend who wants to be more than a friend who never will be. I’ve pretty much been in every scenario in that movie. I want guys who aren’t single, I freak out when a guy I met once doesn’t call me back. I’m too open, I put myself out there too much and too freely. You’d think I would learn, but I don’t.
These guys are never going to commit to me. They are never going to give me what I want or need just like they’re not going to change or leave their wives/girlfriends. I hate to say it, but this crappy piece of $10 cinema gave me a much needed boot in the ass.
I delude myself into thinking that I love these guys and that the way they treat me is normal because “Oh, they’re just guys, and that’s what guys do.” No, that’s not what guys do, that’s what assholes do, and I deserve better.
I’ve been getting better at standing my ground lately. I’ve handed out some ultimatums and while I hope I end up getting what I want in the end, I’m pretty pessimistic about it. I don’t think I’ll get chosen, because well, I believe now that if a guy want to be with someone, they will. I hope that I’m wrong. I hope with all my heart I’m wrong, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.
I’ll be crushed if it doesn’t turn out in my favor, but I know I’ll be okay…because, if I can get kind of awkward and personal for a second, I don’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to commit to me.
I’m a good, kind, hardworking girl. I’m fun. I’m not too much of a pain in the ass and I deserve to be paid attention to. I deserve to be the recipient of affection, not just traded text messages. I deserve to be told by someone that I’m smart and beautiful and I deserve them to mean it. I deserve to have someone push my hair out of my face (where it generally always falls), look me in the eye and tell me he loves me and that everything is going to be okay. I deserve to be able to “make love” with someone and not just have sex…as cliche as that sounds. I deserve commitment and honesty. I deserve more than backbone-less, empty promises that lead to tears. I deserve to be happy, and I know what will make me happy, but if I don’t get it, then well, it sucks, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
Is it sad that I learned all of this from a crappy movie? Probably. But what’s sadder is the fact that it took me so long to learn it at all.
I just want to be happy. It’s okay to want that, right?
I finally got comfortable enough with myself to truly understand what makes me happy and I took a stand for it, so I guess all I have to do now is wait.
But I will not be someone’s back up plan or little secret.
I am not going to fall for stupid lines anymore.
If things don’t go the way I want them to I need to have the strength to stop myself and say, “Caitlin, he’s just not that into you.”
My fingers are crossed that it all works out, but if it doesn’t, I’m ready.
It all reminds me of a line from Chuck Klosterman’s Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: “Relationships are power struggles, and whoever likes the other person less has the upper hand.”
Well, I never have the upper hand in that scenario, but I’m about to get it in a different one.