So…what’s up? How’s it going? (This is me trying to make small talk before I dive, head-first, into what I want to talk about today.)
Today I want to talk about my faults and flaws, of which I have many, and I want to apologize.
You see, for as calm and collected as I try to be I am very rash and sometimes brash. When I get angry or upset it’s like the logical side of my brain flips off and I just spew angry tirades onto the pages of my journal (where they’re safe) or more recently on my blog (where they’re embarrassing).
Why on my blog? I don’t really know. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it and I used to think I blogged all my anger and feelings because “my blog was my personal piece of space, blah, blah, blah,” but the more I thought about it the more I realized it was posted for very selfish reasons. I wanted some justification for how I felt. I wanted assurance that I was in the right even if more often than not my posts were very one sided.
I’m going to try and be more objective in how I display certain events in my life. It’s just hard when you’re selfish with your feelings…which I am. I never think of myself first and I would bend over backwards to help anyone in my life, but when it comes to my feelings I am a total brat. I want them to be mine, I want them to be justified and I want them to be right…but since I tend to get illogical in a heightened emotional state, that’s not always the case. Le sigh.
I know I’m not a bad person, I just have to think before I act which for someone like me, who is anxious about EVERYTHING, is hard to do, but I’m getting better at it as I allow myself to take opportunities to reflect and be calm. I should take to my journal more to get out my rashness. A public blog is not the time or place for angry whining.
Not to fear, my blog is still going to be personal, but it’s no longer going to hold the momentary glimpses into my emotional irrationality, it’s going to hold the kind of well thought out, rational, logical, and thought provoking things that I am PROUD to write. I want to share my feeling but I want to make sure they accurately portray how I really feel and aren’t just ephemeral moments of anger. I want my posts to appeal to people, not single them out.
Like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’ll save the angry venting for my friends, family, and the empty pages of my journal. My blog can be for when I finally figure it all out after the fact.
It’s sad that it took me this long to realize this.
In other news, The Gazette lost power for 4 hours earlier today so I had nothing to do. I read a trashy vampire book by the window and waited for the power to come back up so I could write my stories. I love my job, and I’m so excited that after a month of being here I get to do some bigger stuff, like breaking news, court cases, crime and even a huge Sunday story. Right now I’m thinking either a business story on Last Vestige record store in Albany and Saratoga: with the decreasing economy AND music industry how have they survived? OR I would really like to do a profile on someone, not sure who yet. I would LOVE to profile Jann Wenner, and I might TRY to get in touch with him, but I’m not holding my breath. Just a thought. Maybe I’ll do a NYC Ballet dancer when they come to SPAC for the season? I have time to think about it.
I’m also working on a story about the construction on City Hall (I just talked to the Mayor!), a local 8th generation farmer from Niskayuna, and an advance on all the county fairs. I always new I wanted to get into writing and journalism but this job has solidified my dreams more than any other writing job I had before. I’m so grateful to be here, writing, getting published and getting paid.
Also, Lady Gaga is going on tour with Kanye West and they are kicking off their tour at HSBC Arena in Buffalo and I am going. I really don’t care about Kanye, yes he’s a hit-maker, but he’s so cocky that I kind of want to punch him most of the time, but he’s with Gaga, and I love her, and the two of them together are just going to be a show to remember.
I guess that’s all I have to say for myself right now. Back to work on my stories! I love my job.