What’s the point?

Do you ever feel like you’re under a microscope? Like other people can make mistakes and get away with it but the minute you make one wrong move everyone gangs up on you and tells you you’re useless?

I kind of feel like that all the time.

I’m sick of people doing nasty things to me and getting away with it, but when I say ONE THING back, after months of attacks, suddenly I’m the bad person for standing up for myself. It’s wrong. Why is there ALWAYS a double standard and why does it ALWAYS involve me?

I feel like people never invest in me or take me seriously as a friend. People are either ditching me when times get tough or blatantly stabbing me in the back. I can count on one hand the number of people I trust fully. That’s pathetic.

I’m sick of always being made out as the bad guy when all I ever do is shove what’s bothering me away until it comes out by accident one day…which is when I get yelled at. If I was a bitch all the time would you get sick of yelling and leave me alone?

I ask everyone to put themselves in my shoes for ONE SECOND. How would you feel? I always put other people’s feelings before my own and I’m sick of not getting the same consideration from people who I thought were my friends.

I’m getting my wisdom teeth out in 5 hours and honestly, even though I know it’s a routine procedure, I am TERRIFIED. I’m shaking like a leaf because I have an anxiety disorder and I can’t stop it. I’m so scared all I want to do is cry.

I’m this scared and one of the people who I used to consider one of my best friends probably won’t even call me tomorrow because “oh, oops, they’re busy.” Well, you know what? We’re all busy. How hard is it to squeeze in a TWO MINUTE check-up phone call?

I’m sick of being a doormat. I’m sick of people only wanting to talk to me or be around me when it’s convenient. I’m sick of being ignored, left, backstabbed and treated like shit.

I’m sick of people only caring about me and my well-being when it’s convenient for them because GOD FORBID anyone finds out we’re *GASP* friends.

I’m sorry none of this makes sense. But I’m feeling really hurt by a couple of people right now and I don’t know what else to do.

I’m sick of this limbo. I’m sick of waiting. I’m sick of saying all these things to people and writing all these words that will never matter.

What’s the point when they’re just going to bail on you and then precede to kick you when you’re down for the next 6 months or more. There isn’t one.

On the plus side Harry Potter was excellent…(more on that later).

And I wish MAREgred was here to keep me company and just generally be herself because I miss her and I feel like she is the only one who will even get what I’m saying here…because I feel like we’re sailing on the same ship more often than not.

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