Bachelor no more (le sigh…)

I’m a creeper…but now I’m a sad one. That’s what I get for stalking the man of my dreams on the Internet.

Chuck Klosterman, my crush to end all crushes, my hero inspiration and obsession–got married.
From reading his gregarious and calculated lamenting about his love life in his books I thought he would be a bachelor forever…or at least until he met me…and then we could fall in love over whiskey sours at a hole-in-the-wall bar in Brooklyn talking about how he loves KISS and I think they’re overrated.
Our playful argument about the merits of Gene Simmons would lead to a discussion about how Radiohead really is the best fucking band of all time on our second date…after which our relationship would progress to night’s at home (in our Soho apartment) sipping Boone’s Farm and cuddling on the couch with our Labrador retriever (named David Bowie) watching History Channel specials on the JFK assassination and anxiously awaiting the next Wilco album. We could have taken walks in Central Park discussing the human condition as hyperbolized and dramatized by reality TV. We could meet up for lunch at a Falafel cart and discuss how a Mediterranean picnic could create peace in the Middle East. We could rush to the book store for the new Dan Brown thriller only to realize it’s still as poorly written as the last. Chuck and I would have spent our week nights listening to Wolf Blitzer drone on and on about President Obama while we fantasize about the German porn career he could have had with that name.
We could have had a wonderful life…but he got married…to Melissa Maerz…on September 20.
She is everything I’m not. Funny, talented, former Senior Editor for Rolling Stone, former editor for SPIN, skinny, blonde, (probably) witty and self-confident.
Chuck Klosterman had the ability to break my heart and we never even met.
I’m happy that Chuck is happy…even if it’s not with me…*sigh*
Well, 50 percent of all marriages now end in divorce…that’s hope right?
No. I hope it works out for Chuck and Melissa. They are the cutest most perfect couple and I’m rooting for them…even if it means Chuck got away from me.
Plus, Melissa sounds so much better than all those bitches he writes about in his books. I knew you could find something better Chuck.
Best of luck to the newlyweds…but Chuck…if it doesn’t work out, call me!

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