An open letter to the director of The Twilight Saga: New Moon:

Hey, remember that time when New Moon was good? Yeah, me either.

You did a pretty horrendous job. Just sayin’. Though it’s not ENTIRELY your fault. You weren’t given a well-written script…nor a well-written book to base said script off of for that matter. Also, you couldn’t have asked for a more awkward set of starlets to help catapult your failed endeavor into the box office.

Kristen Stewart, for as much as I like her, was looking as strung out, awkward and heroin chic as always. Robert Pattinson looked like a Burmese refugee with a skin pigmentation issue.

Highlights of the film? Oh, you mean besides the awkward dialogue, forced plot lines, unnecessary and idiotic metaphors, poor character development and the fact that Bella (K.Stew) bit her lip significantly less in this film? Well other than those shining moments of cinematic glory I would have to say that my favorite part was when my friend Kyle said “this is the part where he sparkles to death,” in reference to Edward or when Emmett was a total bro. I really can’t pick.

I’m sure you’re a wonderful director and that sometimes your movies are good. Don’t feel like a failure just because New Moon was as awkward and terrible as walking into an exam hungover and naked.

Our dear author of the series, Stephanie Meyer, didn’t give you much to work with. It’s common knowledge that she likes to leave blatant holes in the plot, forget to give characters personalities and audaciously misuse metaphors. I swear not all Mormons who like MUSE and Romeo and Juliet are that painfully bad at grammar, sentence structure and life…I think anyway.

But, my dear friend, you are the DIRECTOR. Can’t you tell Kristen Stewart that her role in Speak is over and she can stop looking so pained and angsty? Isn’t it your job to tell her that? Her mood when she’s with Edward is the same as when he ditches her. Oops. Plot consistency, fail. Also, could you have told Taylor Lautner not to be so…ridiculous. I get that he’s this young kid who is in love with this unattainable girl but really. I’m “sure, sure” you could have made him look more cool and collected like in the book and less like a contestant on Tool Academy in the movie.

Though in a douche-off, Edward would win. Hands down. He went on the Kurt Cobain diet and then just waltzed back into Bella’s life like nothing happened. Oh, wait. I forgot you gave him a 5 second on-screen apology just for the sake of the film not looking totally misogynistic.

I enjoyed these books despite their lack of plot and failed attempts at English grammar. They were fun and occupied my mind with something nonsensical. Your film, however, just made my head hurt and made me want to cry. I spent a good two thirds of the movie asking when it would be over. I also fell asleep for a time…though I didn’t really miss anything I guess…Hmm, maybe I slept through the good parts. Doubtful.

Oh, but I should say you did do one thing right. Dakotah Fanning looked pretty fierce. Nice job.

I will, however, be expecting my money back in the form of cash, check, or Forever 21 gift card. I’m thinking $8.75 for the movie ticket and then, oh $50 for the time I could have been at work and another $15 to refill my Xanax prescription in order to deal with intense emotional duress sparked by anger and boredom at the hands of your little film project.

If you could get that to me ASAP that would be wonderful.

Thanks,

Caitlin Tremblay

P.S. There is a bright side…New Moon was probably better than that Nicholas Sparks movie, Dear John, is going to be. Now THAT’S something to be excited about.

Advertisements

2 comments

  1. Meg · November 20, 2009

    i burst out LAUGHING in the lib over this. SO TRUE.i think i may write a blog about this friggin movie… this really was BAD.

  2. Meg · November 20, 2009

    also, remember me looks pretty decent so let's see it, oui?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s