There have been some pretty solid singles put out this year, “Alejandro” and “Giving Up The Gun” come to mind, but you know what they say: Every time Kanye mixes a hot beat 10 bad ones spring up to squash it and a puppy dies
…or something like that.
So, in a bout of 2010 nostalgia I very scientifically (read: actually listened to the radio to see what our normally ear budded eardrums are being force-fed these days) compiled a list of the top ten worst songs that hit the airwaves, iTunes and (maybe) Wal-Mart shelves this year:
10. “Cannibal”–Ke$ha. This semi-infectious tune has approximately seven coherent words and relies very heavily on nonsensical syllables to create the illusion that it’s actually a song. Ke$ha was better when she was hitting on dudes that look like Mick Jagger, not eating them.
9. “Billionaire”–Travie McCoy ft. Bruno Mars. This song only rose to the top of the charts because we’re all broke. However, “astute” observations (Read: watching five minutes of CNN between reruns of “Teen Mom”) of the U.S. economy’s death rattle does not a quality song make.
8. “Whip My Hair”–Willow Smith. Haters? Parties? Willow, you’re 10 years old. The only thing you should be whipping back and forth is your No. 2 pencil while doing your long division homework.
7. “Sex for Breakfast”–Christina Aguilera. Everything Xtina churned out in 2010 was truly horrible but this one far surpassed the rest. The song is about her cure for Morning Wood–morning sex–complete with ludicrous lyrics like “And when the sun rises, there’s one thing on my mind…I want sex for breakfast.” I mean when the sun rises the first thing on my mind is either “Why is it so early?” or “I have to pee.” To each their own.
6. Anything by Justin Bieber. Prepubescence hasn’t been cool since Hanson. The only person who could ever pull of a faltering puberty falsetto was Taylor Hanson…and maybe Michael Jackson.
5. “Don’t Trust Me”–3OH!3. “Don’t trust a ho.” Probably the most poignant and moving song lyrics of our time. Oh and don’t forget the emotional cheerleader-like rant at the end: “Shush girl. Shut your lips. Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips.” Nothing says “quality” quite like woman-hushing misogyny and tasteless Hellen Keller jokes.
4. “Hey Soul Sister”–Train. A huge hit but it ain’t no “Drops of Jupiter.” This super-catchy pop tune combines obscure 1980s references (I’m looking at you Mister Mister), rhyming “cutting a rug” with “I’m so thug” (oxymoronic) and a high note that even a eunuch couldn’t reach.
3. “Money Can’t Buy You Class”–Countess Luann. It also can’t buy good song writers, producers or publicists, apparently. Reality T.V. stars should be barred from singing.
2. “OMG”–Usher ft. Will.i.am. Usher was about as awesome in 2010 as Swine Flu. “OMG” is B-A-D. I like Usher better when he’s knocking up random video vixens not as Justin Bieber’s unofficial pimp.
and the WORST song of 2010…
1. “The Time”– The Black Eyed Peas. Nobody puts Baby in the corner but I’d like to take every BEP CD and throw them in a landfill…and then blow that landfill up…with nukes.
Honorable Mentions: Bad, but not quite bad enough to totally suck.
“What I Got”–Bret Michaels. One simple rule: Don’t cover Sublime if you often wear a cowboy hat.
“We are the World”–Haiti Relief. Even if Weezy sings the Dylan part it still isn’t good.
“Paradice”–Lil’ Wayne. He should have taken Rikers up on some adult literacy classes.
“Pop the Trunk”–Yelawolf. The comparisons he gets to Eminem are insulting…to Eminem.