There is something uniquely exciting about Donald Trump. On the one hand, he embodies the elusive and now-defunct “American Dream.” He’s a self-made millionaire with a series of beautiful wives, a successful T.V. show and more pieces of real estate than hair follicles (which is a lot). On the other hand, he’s a money-hungry, attention-whore with an affinity for gold faucets, chandeliers and putting his foot in his mouth.
All these things combined very clearly amount to an individual who would make a superb leader of the free world. We should all feel supremely lucky that Donald Trump has decided to run for president of the United States and save us all from the impending socialist-apocalyptic-Obama-doom.
There are many reasons why a level-headed person would consider electing The Donald to the highest office in the United States. For starters he’s a business man and very clearly great with numbers. When Trump was describing Atlantic City a few years ago he demonstrated his skills as a mathematician: “I’ll tell you, it’s Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business. Or two words—Big Business.” So he got it wrong the first time…but he quickly fixed it! Isn’t that what our national budget and national deficit is about, anyway? Messing up the first time and then fixing it quickly.
The Donald is also a champion negotiator and deal-maker. Trump says, “Deals work best when each side gets something it wants from the other.” He very clearly understands the intricacies of diplomacy and bipartisan politics. If, God forbid, there was ever another Iranian Hostage Crisis Trump would be ready to take the reigns. We just need to give everyone what they want so we can get everything we want. It’s simple Trump politics!
Trump is also an amazing public speaker. In 2007, Donald waxed poetic on a speech by then-President George W. Bush: “You know, the one thing I sorta liked was what they were saying about Iran. I believe you have to go in and strike Iran — not with soldiers. You know, it’s not a world of soldiers anymore. It’s a world of air. It’s a world of different kinds of, you know, we’ve changed.” Trump is an extremely eloquent-man whose public speaking skills are only matched by the Adonis-like luster of his hair. His ability to form properly structured sentences put George W. Bush’s unerring pronunciation of “nuclear” to shame.
Priorities are also very important to Trump. He is a complete family man as showcased by comments he made on “Larry King Live” about the vulture-like nature of the press. “You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass,” Trump said. The man seems to love his third wife Malenia as much as his first two. He’s also polite! If he’s going to insult people to their face he does it tactfully and carefully making sure there’s no hard feelings. On the same “Larry King” appearance Trump said, “Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.”
Trump possesses all the qualities of a great president and if elected I’m sure he’ll be placed right up there in history with the three George’s that Americans hold near and dear to their hearts: George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush and perhaps maybe even George Washington (dream big!). But, if perchance he’s not elected we can rest-assured that Trump won’t take it to heart and he’ll go right back to being the shining beacon of American media fodder that he is—because losing isn’t that big of a deal to Trump. He famously said that he considered bankruptcy a success and he openly admits that there are things worse than losing. “The worst thing a man can do is go bald. Never let yourself go bald,” Trump has said. Yes. Going bald is worse than anything in the entire world. He’ll make a compassionate president, too, very clearly understanding the plight of low-income and unemployed Americans who are also extremely concerned about their hairlines.
Let’s chant it, people! Trump 2012! Trump 2012!
Please Note: If you didn’t catch on, this is all sarcasm. Donald Trump has no business running any operation larger his celebrity apprentice contestants.*