Theoretical characters in Steve Miller Band songs who should lose their theoretical jobs

The Steve Miller Band has many-a character in their catchy pop-rock tunes. Billy Joe and Bobbie Sue are robbers. There’s space cowboys and jokers and of course, midnight tokers, but there’s also a handful of employed characters in Steve Miller’s songs who would most certainly be fired from their jobs if a Steve Miller Band song was the real world.

1. Travel Agent: In “Rockin’ Me” Steve sings that he “went from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A., Northern California where the girls are warm…” Now this isn’t exactly the most direct route to travel–by car or by plane. Surely planes would require various lay overs and by car it makes absolutely no sense to start in Arizona, drive way up north to Washington, then cross the country to Pennsylvania, then drive south to Georgia and then back northwest to California. This would waste endless gallons of gas and cost endless hours of wait time in airports. If this dude was a real travel agent, he’d be canned.

2. Weatherman: In “Jet Airliner” Steve croons “Touchin’ down in New England town, feel the heat comin’ down.” I don’t know if you’ve ever been to New England but even on the hottest of the hot days it is not hot. New England in the summer is a sea breezy, Kennedys playing football on the beach haven of sun, lobster, polo shirts and inexplicable khaki shorts. Steve’s weatherman was seriously mistaken because landing in a New England town would only be hot if you burned your mouth on some clam chowder. However, on a related note:

3. Pilot: Steve’s pilot in “Jet Airliner” could potentially be the one to blame instead of the weatherman (though, since when are weathermen ever right?). Unless Mr. Miller has a license to fly a helicopter someone else was taking him there and if he landed somewhere hot he was either A. not in New England B. potentially in New York City in the middle of a heat wave or C. maybe the helicopter took him to Atlanta (where it’s hot/humid) before he crossed the country to L.A. as per his shitty travel agent. Also, why did this pilot even agree with the travel agent? Shouldn’t he know better?

4. Therapist: Steve Miller is apparently a man of many different personalities and his therapist has yet to thoroughly medicate/help him cope with this. In “The Joker” Steve proclaims “I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a midnight toker…” and then goes on to also say “I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover and I’m a sinner.” Who are you Steve? Do you suffer from multiple personality disorders? Or are you really just a “joker” trying to pull a fast one on us? Also, what the fuck is a “pompitous of love,” Steve? Which one of your self-identified personalities came up with that word. Speaking of…

5. Proofreader/copy editor: The word “pompitous” in “The Joker.” It’s a not a real English word. Where’s the editing, Steve? And for the last time, what does it even mean?

6. Detective Billy Mack: In “Take the Money and Run” Detective Billy Mack in Texas apparently knows what the facts are and is absolutely not going to let Billy Joe (who shot a man while robbing his castle) and Bobbie Sue (who took the money and ran) get away. But, as it turns out, Bobbie Sue slipped away with the money and Billy Joe caught up to her the very next day. Apparently Billy Mack, who makes his money off people’s taxes did not know exactly the facts because the two headed down south (apparently Mexico because that’s what’s south of Texas) and they’re still running today. Billy Mack is a failure as a detective. This is probably why he is not sheriff.

There are a few more honorable mentions, like the eagle in “Fly Like an Eagle.” If an eagle could fly into the future, Michael J. Fox wouldn’t have needed the Delorian. The magician in “Abracadabra” doesn’t sound like he’s very good at his job. He apparently wants to “reach out and grab ya” but that would A. be unnecessary if you knew magic and could just draw someone towards you and B. get the cops called on you at a child’s birthday party.

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