The New Year’s pressure cooker

Most hilarious thing I've seen all day.

You know what I hate about New Year’s Eve? Pretty much everything, minus the confetti. Confetti is fun.

New Year’s Eve is a needlessly stressful holiday which pressures strangers into rubbing up against each other in a public space just so they have someone to swap spit with at midnight. New Year’s Eve is just as fake a “holiday” as Valentine’s Day only instead of buying $15 boxes of chocolate and unnecessarily expensive flowers you’re doling out hundreds of bucks for a ticket to some hot, sweaty club party in the hopes that Prince Charming will sweep you off your feet and you’ll fall in love…and if it doesn’t last for the whole year, it’ll at least last until 12:01 am.


People place too much pressure on New Year’s Eve. It’s just another day. Whether or not you’re tongue wrestling with someone at 12 o’clock is not going to make or break the next 365 days of your life (at least let’s hope not). Who put such a high premium on making out in the middle of the night in a room full of people? Aren’t we getting too old for that?

Everyone I know (it seems) is fretting about how to spend the evening and who to spend it with. I used to be one of them. The last New Year’s Eve I spent with a boyfriend I planned the whole party out down to the last second only to be disappointed. Why? Because at midnight my boyfriend gave me a peck on the cheek then went back to hanging out with his friends and I spent the next few weeks obsessing over what the lameass kiss meant…turns out it meant “I want to get drunk with my friends,” but I had placed so much pressure on the night that I was too blinded by glittery confetti and Carson Daly’s horrid hairstyle to come to that logical conclusion.

And that is when I vowed never to put so much pressure on one stupid night ever again. Whether it be New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, a birthday, an anniversary, nothing is worth freaking out over. Do whatever moves you on that particular evening. If you feel like dancing, go dancing. If you feel like sitting in the nursing home playing bingo with your grandma, go for it. If all you want to do is lay on your couch, watching Dick Clark while eating an entire bag of Cheetos and not wearing pants, then I say do it. If you feel like finding someone to kiss at midnight then do that, too. My point is that no one should feel socially forced into exchanging saliva at a particular time on a particular date.

This New Year’s Eve I plan to swing by a friend’s party for a bit and then I plan to be home by 9:30 pm to pack the rest of my boxes for my Jan. 1 move to Brooklyn. I’ll watch what’s happening 100 blocks south of  me on TV all alone, and I’m OK with that.

Priorities, people.

Also, stop saying “see you next year” when saying goodbye to people. It’s not clever. I can read a calendar. You’ll see me Monday, which just happens to fall in the year 2012.


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